A Conversation on Body Image
Something has been bothering me, especially over the last few months.
So instead of letting it fester, I thought, “This is what the blog is for!!”
This post may be something you want to skip if you think it might trigger you because today we are going to talk about body image; something I’ve struggled with in my past, and still have to fight to stay positive about it. But I’ve learned many lessons, and I wanted to take some time to share them.
I’ve recently left the world of social media, and I can honestly say I have never been happier…scratch that…..I’ve never been more JOYFUL. I can’t help but wonder if some of the body image baggage I thought I let go of still lingers? Hence the joy I feel from being freed from a platform that makes it easy to fall prey to the game of comparison? But mostly, I think the joy comes from the fact that I know I’m no longer adding to the noise that’s confusing not just our youth, but adults as well.
Can I take a moment to be honest with you?
I’m honestly embarrassed at things I’ve posted in the past about my physical journey.
I DO know it all came from a place of wanting to help others. But I also know I could have unintentionally hurt other women (or even men) who were struggling. That’s NOT what I wanted.
However, regret does nothing….and I’m SO GRATEFUL for the journey that brought me to this place….even the part where I tore my knee apart and everything changed. But that’s not what we are talking about today.
Instead, I’m going to share what I’ve learned about body image, specifically how it relates to girls; what to say, what NOT to say, and how to move forward. I should note that in no way, shape, or form am I a professional in the arena. BUT I have walked through body image issues myself, and therefore learned in the School of Hard Knocks. I also get a front row seat to what middle school girls navigate in the land of social media in the Bible study I lead for 6th-9th graders; what these girls share with me is heartbreaking.The problems they deal with aren’t necessarily different from what we did in the pre-social media era…they’re just BIGGER and nastier since we are all so connected and everyone, whether their intentions are good or not, has access to their own “platform”.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start with things that can damage our girls’ body images, and our own, too!
FULL disclosure; I’ve done some of these things, myself, so this is not an exercise in shaming anyone or making myself out to be an amazing parent. I’m only sharing what I wish someone would have shared with me, and every child/parent relationship is different! Take and leave what fits or doesn’t.
THE DON’T(S)
We shouldn’t weigh or measure ourselves in front of our kids. It’s okay if you are on a journey to finding good health; God gave you a body to take care of, and we aren’t meant to treat it as though it doesn’t matter. But it's also not meant to be an idol; and when we obsessively weigh and measure ourselves, and our kids see that, what does that tell them? It tells them that their worth is tied to their bodies, and they are only worthy when said bodies are getting smaller/growing in certain areas, etc. We should listen to our doctor or health professional on how we should monitor our progress, know that the scale is ONE tool that tells only a tiny piece of the story, and our kids don’t need to watch that. Put it this way; if WE struggle in our relationship with those 3 numbers between our toes, then we don’t want to pass that to our kids as well.
We shouldn’t use words like “skinny” to describe bodies, ESPECIALLY not to girls who are still growing. The word “skinny” was first used in the 1400’s as a way to describe someone who was emaciated. Is that what we want our girls to chase as a goal? Emaciation? We also have to remember that girls’ bodies aren’t fully developed in middle school, or even high school in my opinion. SO to call them skinny for so long plants an idea of what they “should” look like in their brains, and when the inevitable curves develop multiple times throughout their lives, what do we think will happen to how they see themselves? No longer skinny, and in some cases, no longer worthy. Just don’t use the word. Better yet; refrain from commenting on peoples’ bodies in general. We never know how someone may be losing weight (using dangerous methods) or why they are gaining weight (illness/stress).
Don’t comment on how much food you or someone else should/shouldn't eat, say things like, “It's good I only ate once today” or comment to someone else, “How are you hungry again, you just ate?” Basically, don’t put yourself down, or anyone else, when it comes to food and our choices. Sometimes we do this under the guise of caring for someone else’s well-being, and although sometimes there’s truth within the caring part, our approach can be super passive aggressive and off-putting, leading our kids down the path of uncertainty in how to approach food. We need to give ourselves a gut-check in why we think this comment would be helpful in the first place, or is it stemming from an undealt with insecurity of our own.
Don’t skip meals. Just don’t. It's one thing if we’re legit sick or not hungry. It's quite another if we are doing it to lose weight. First off, skipping meals ruins our metabolism, which leads to more harm than good. Second, if we skip meals, we show our kids it's okay…and they are still growing! They need the nutrients that come from 3, healthy meals each day….and likely snacks, too. If we skip, they skip, which can result in malnourishment and a shaky relationship with purpose-driven meal times.
Don’t say things like “I cant have ________”. Don’t make foods off-limits. Food shouldn’t become something that is feared or evil because then it can become an obsession. Every year there's a new fad “diet” saying what we should and shouldn’t eat to look better/feel better/lose weight/etc. Don’t buy into it. God created ALL food groups, INCLUDING FATS AND CARBS, for a reason; we need them all! I’m not saying we should be gluttonous and eat everything in sight, but I am saying that the minute we make a piece of bread the enemy, and our kids see that, we plant a seed in their brains they can’t process without a fully developed brain to tell them the truth.
I’m not going to be your parent and tell you what you should or shouldn’t let your kids do online…but I trust you to be smart about it. If things we see on the gram bother us and lead us to doubt our worth, what do we think those same things will do to our children? Food for thought.
THE DO’S
Ground your kids in the truth, which can only be found in the Bible! Have open conversations with them; let them ask questions, be honest about your own struggles, and set boundaries as a family. If you feel you struggle with these areas so much you can’t help your kids around them, seek professional help. There are a LOT of smart people out there who can lead you through the weeds!
Define your health goals based on how you want to feel/live your life/what your doctor or trusted professional says…and THEN determine the best way to monitor your progress. I personally think weighing yourself daily or weekly can be SO damaging. But if weight loss is necessary for better health, pick something that feels like you’ll be able to tell you’re making progress, yet won’t send you into an obsessive spiral. That obsessive spiral can easily be passed onto our kids, and we don’t want that. We can measure our success in how we’re sleeping, our energy level, how clear our brain feels, or our overall mood. Establish positive ways to be healthy as a family, and our kids will be less likely to go down a dark path.
Picking words to describe bodies feels hard to me; I don’t have answers because why are we even trying to comment on peoples’ bodies in the first place? Maybe if we are watching an athletic performance of some sort, and we want to compliment someone's strength/agility/grace/etc, but even then we have to be careful. I’ve been around people commenting on someone’s weight loss and weight gain, and it’s never a fruitful conversation; it usually just leads to the other person feeling wrongly prideful, or just plain bad.
Putting ourselves or others down regarding food choices is SO hurtful, and as a parent who’s been around it with my kids present, leads to a lot of difficult conversations and questions. I can’t say that those conversations have necessarily been bad; I can only pray I navigated them well enough to undo unintended damage! I get that we can’t sweep potentially harmful food habits under the rug though, so if conversations need to be had, these should happen in private and ALWAYS from a place of love and concern.
Instead of skipping meals, we can get creative with how we enjoy them. We can gather around the table as a family more often Sacred Table | Food Worth Gathering For, V1™, make meals together, and plan ahead. If you’re not someone who’s super hungry in the morning, but you have kids at home, eat a lighter version of what they are having. We should be mindful of our metabolism, but more importantly, the messages we are sending our kids without necessarily using our voices; actions always speak louder.
Eat well-rounded meals including protein, healthy fats, quality carbohydrates, fruits, and lots of veggies. We shouldn’t make any foods out to be the bad guy, and we also shouldn’t be afraid of what a brownie will do to our well-being! Have you ever heard the quote, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy”? Well, I think that CHOCOLATE is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy! We NEED the healthy stuff for our bodies to thrive and function how they are meant to, but when we deem certain foods as “bad”, we pass this fear onto our kids. If we want them to have a healthy relationship with food, we need to first practice balance ourselves.
Since this last one surrounding social media is controversial, I’ll tell you what works for us. Our kids have phones, but they do NOT have access to the internet or social media on them. Gabb Wireless: Safe Cell Phone for Kids Our kids both understand why these boundaries are important to our family, even if it means we are swimming upstream. Have you seen the latest content put out by Dove? This is legit happening in our own backyards, not just on TV or in a state far away. Standing up to protect kids’ mental health
Cost of Beauty: A Dove Film | Dove Self-Esteem Project. CONTENT WARNING: INCLUDES SENSITIVE TOPICS RELATED TO MENTAL HEALTH AND KIDS’ WELLBEING.
We can’t be afraid to set rules that might leave our kids feeling, “left out.” What’s more important…that they know the latest TikTok dance or who said what on Snapchat…or that they are confident and joyful in who God made them to be, without social influencing them? Or something far worse from consuming what’s on those platforms? We aren’t here to be their best friend…we are here to parent them and help them grow. Find boundaries that work for your family, and don’t rely solely on the parental controls…not all of them actually work!
Do you have thoughts on body image? Social media? How the two influence one another? What works for you? Comment below!